She Touched The World

Over half of female homicide victims in the U.S. are killed by a male intimate partner. On average more than 1 in 3 women in the US will experience rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner. 1 in 10 high school students has experienced physical violence from a partner in the last year. An average of 24 women per minute are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States. 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female.

I went to Spread Creek to express my grief and say a prayer for Gabby. I also prayed for so many other women in our country. This was a hate crime. I believe that Domestic Violence is a hate crime against women.

When I was 17 years old I had a boyfriend who regularly hit me. I was frightened of him. He was 6'0 and 220 pounds. He could knock me down with one push. And regularly did. He was jealous, angry, controlling, and manipulative. And he convinced me that everything that happened was my fault.

We were driving home from Redmond Oregon to Bend Oregon. I was driving his truck and he was in the passenger seat. He was angry at me and jealous because we had run into a friend of mine, a guy. The interaction with my old friend lasted less than 30 seconds. But the 20 minute car ride to his house was excruciating. At one point he hit me and I pulled over. We both jumped out of the truck. I no longer wanted to drive. As we crossed paths behind the vehicle he slapped at me and I slapped back. A car horn honked.

We were back at his house for about an hour, and he had hit me several more times, when the police showed up. Two male officers. My boyfriend stood in front of me in the doorway and I peered out from behind him at the officers, my face was red and swollen from being slapped and crying. This was in 1994 and I cannot remember what he said to the officers. What I do remember is one of the officers angling around my boyfriend to get a better look at me. He leaned forward and put his finger in my face...

"You had better stop causing trouble before you get your boyfriend in trouble."

And they left. Within an hour my boyfriend had gotten his mother's gun out of her nightstand. First he pointed it at my head. And I begged him not to hurt me and cried. Then he put the gun to his own head and I begged him not to hurt himself. I told him that it wasn't his fault. He put the gun away.

Our relationship lasted for only four months. 27 years later and my body is shaking just typing this. The effects were long-term. I had therapy many times in my 20's and was diagnosed with PTSD. I am much better today. But those four months left scars that will never fully heal.

How different would my life have turned out if those officers would have at MINIMUM contacted my parents and told them what was happening? Or if his mother, who was fully aware of the situation, had done something, anything?

I didn't end my relationship with him because he beat me, I ended it because he cheated on me. He married the woman that he cheated on me with and had children. I tried to warn her friends, who were mutual friends, but was told the he would never do such a thing and that I was just jealous. Those same friends later told me that she divorced him after five years because he was beating her and the children. I also later found out that he had choked his girlfriend before me and was caught by her dad. Her dad made them breakup but never reported it.

I fully understand the #MeToo movement. Because I have so many female friends with similar stories. Stories of abuse, sexual assault, incest, rape, domestic violence... stories that should be told, heard, and believed. As a society we need to stop enabling abusers and blaming victims. And we need to train our first responders to not only recognize the signs of domestic violence but to actually do something about it.  

I volunteered for years as crisis counselor and victims advocate at a domestic violence shelter. I received my bachelor of science in women's and gender studies. I watched the police body cam video of Laundrie. The second he apologized for letting it "get so public" I knew. Watching her tears and apologies I knew. Which leads me to believe that those officers knew too. How could they not? They have so much more experience than I have and so much more training. I believe that they chose to ignore it. And I believe that this happens every day all across our country. 

When will it stop? When will we stop allowing this to happen to ourselves, to our friends, to our sisters, to our mothers, to our daughters, or to any woman? When.