I am the Black Sheep

In November of 2023 my mother was telling a story about me crawling under the table in restaurants as a child. And she said to everyone at the table, "Tanya was a bad kid!" 

The next day I said to her, "You know that I was not a bad kid. All kids misbehave sometimes. That doesn't make them BAD KIDS." She responded, "YOU WERE A BAD KID!! Yes, you were! You've always been BAD!" And then she quickly got up and went outside to have a cigarette.

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I don't usually find it necessary to start out by stating my identity markers but for this essay I do think that they are useful, not only for myself but for the other people involved in the story.

I am: a cisgender woman - I am white - I am bi-sexual - I practice monogamy - I am a practicing buddhist - I grew up and spent most of my life below the poverty line; I am currently middle-class  - I am a college graduate

"Parents with narcissistic tendencies often validate only one of their children. This typically results in a pattern of one child being the 'golden child' while the other is considered the 'black sheep'. Narcissistic mothers prioritize their own needs over their children's and crave admiration, often lacking empathy for their children, including and especially towards their daughters. They may use manipulation and control tactics, such as gaslighting and guilt-tripping, and struggle to respect boundaries, invading their children's privacy and autonomy."

"Narcissistic parents feel very threatened by black sheep because they are the only ones with enough strength and courage to expose them for who they are. The black sheep is very sensitive and aware of the truth about what’s going on behind the impression of the family that the narcissistic parent is trying to make."

"Most parents feel immense pain when their child is harmed. Subsequently, they also try to attune to their likes, dislikes, and personal needs. In fact, many parents often have a sense of guilt or shame when they fail to do so. However, this dynamic plays out differently in narcissistic relationships. Research shows that children of narcissistic parents tend to report that narcissistic mothers exhibit a lack of empathy and limited interest in their emotional needs. They also indicate feeling “invisible,” as if their mother couldn’t take the time or energy to truly see or understand them."

Something had happened in the news and I have no idea what it was. I was 19 years old and I was with my mother at the sports memorable store that she owned. It was just her and I. And she said, "I would disown you and never speak to you again if you married a black person or a woman!" I said, "Really, you would never want to see me again. But I'm your daughter." She replied, "It's disgusting. And I would have NOTHING to do with you!"

My mother is: a cisgender woman - white - heterosexual - practices monogamy - is a non-practicing catholic - she grew up and spent most of her life below the poverty line; she is currently middle-class  - she dropped out of school in the 9th grade

I had been dating someone for about a month and had not told her about it. Prior to this conversation I was considering bringing him over to meet my parents.

He is: a cisgender man - white - heterosexual - practices monogamy - is a non-practicing christian - grew up wealthy and is still wealthy - attended college

But, I decided to see what would happen first. Because that's how I was. She made her love sound conditional, which it was (is). But that is just a theory until you actually test it. And as a 19 year old black sheep of the family, yes I wanted to test it. I wanted to know...

"Do you even love me?" 

A common question that daughters of narcissistic mothers ask themselves.

So, the next day at her work right before I left I said, "I want you to know that I am dating a black woman and I would like to bring her over to the house to meet you and dad." She looked at me. The phone rang. She answered. I left.

About two hours later, after she had gotten off of work and went home my phone began to ring. This was in 1996 so I had a landline and an answering machine. The man that I was dating was there, Nicholas. So was my best friend and roommate, Mathew.

For over an hour she called my house and left these messages that bellowed out of the answering machine and echoed through our tiny apartment. We turned off the movie and we all three just sat there and listened. At first we laughed, but as she kept calling back every few seconds and leaving nastier and nastier messages we grew quiet.

"YOU DIRTY DISGUSTING FUCKING SLUT! YOU DESERVE TO DIE! YOU DESERVE TO BURN IN HELL! FUCKING DYKE! NIGGER LOVER! WHORE! SLUT! I'M ASHAMED THAT YOU CAME OUT OF ME! I HOPE YOU AND YOUR DISGUSTING NIGGER WHORE BITCH DIE OF AIDS! YOU ARE SICK!"

Honestly, I can't even remember it all now. I just did that thing that I had been doing with her my whole life, dissociating. 

Mathew said, "Are you okay? This is wrong. You shouldn't have to listen to this. Let's turn it off!" 

"No I'm not okay. And No do not turn it off." I responded. He picked up the phone and told her to STOP!

Nicholas, whom I had only known for a month, said "That is your mother? Really? Are you kidding? What's wrong with her? Is she always like this?"

As time wore on her messages became more slurred and hard to understand. She was drinking.

I picked up the phone in between her calls and called the house. My dad answered. "Make her stop!" He replied, "You know that I can't make her do anything."

The calls picked up again shortly after. I picked up the phone and said, "It's been 90 minutes. If you do not stop I am calling the police because this is harassment and I've had enough."

She kept calling. In some of the messages we could hear my dad in the background telling her to hang up.

I called the police. They came over. They listened to the messages (about 10 minutes worth). They said in dumbfounded tones, "That is your MOM!?!?"

They went to her house. They told her stop. The calls stopped.

An hour later my dad called me, "I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU CALLED THE POLICE ON YOUR OWN MOTHER, THAT IS SO DISRESPECTFUL!"