2026

the joshua tree is a symbol of endurance through adversity and one’s ability to persevere despite being born into a harsh and unforgiving landscape

“there are thoughts which you cannot grasp without completely changing your life.” 

~werner sprenger~

forgive yourself, and others, for not being perfect.

acceptance of the truth.

the facts.

reality.

live in this life

and of this world.

while on this earth,

be of the earth, grounded.

but always keep your eyes

and your heart

directed to the heavens.

because,

this little life is already half over.

past the middle age.

entering the enlightened age.

good-bye my loves.

my creators, my bloodline

you inhabited my heart 

while you broke my heart,

from the inside out,

you hammered.

your silence has finally freed you

from within me.

i feel nothing.

active grieving transformed,

into ash.

i don’t love you anymore.

you no longer live in me.

my heart is a desert,

prepared to become a garden, 

this is the time to bloom,

finally.

you no longer exist,

but i still do.

i had to lose you,

to find me.

that is meaningful.

joy and peace and contentment, 

radically awakened.

the phoenix has risen, 

it is the year of the salamander.

haiku 25

your hand brushes mine 

briefly strangely, oddly smile

far too painful now

“Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you’ve been ruined.”

~Ocean Vuong~

haiku10

“for your brother is like you

he wants to be happy

never harm him

and when you leave this life

you too will find happiness”

~dhammapada~

bursting, run swiftly

in love with love i cry, joy!

betrayed, we stumble

refugee

“ I could see the horizon, and I knew it was running away from me”

~Augusten Burroughs~

The first time I ran away from home I was seven years old. I took a $20 bill off of my dad‘s dresser. I climbed out of the bathroom window after dinner. I rode my bike across town to the grocery store and bought something to drink and cat food. The cat food was so that the clerk wouldn’t get suspicious of my BIG $20 bill. Then I rode my bike to Pilot Butte. I was going to live there, alone, forever. In the woods. By myself. But then it started to get dark, so I went to the payphone and I called my house. My mom was screaming. They had the police looking for me. And when the police found me, they never even asked me why I ran away.

The second time I ran away from home, I was 10 years old. I went down to the railroad tracks by the park by my house. I was going to live in a car and be a “bum”. Forever. I laid inside that stinky burnt out car for hours. But then it started to get dark and I was still in the car when a man showed up. He looked at me and said “You had better get home before you get hurt!” So I got out of the car and I ran home as fast as I could. The police were in the driveway. And I told them I got lost.

The third time I ran away from home, I was 15 and I took one of my dad‘s silver bars. It was worth $100. I was going to sell it and buy a car and drive to California with my boyfriend and stay there. Forever. But I could not sell the bar because I was not 18 years old. So instead, we went to his house and sat in his room. My mom showed up and banged on the door and yelled from the outside. We coward on the floor, but we did not answer the door. Then shortly after that his mom showed up and brought us a pizza. She talked to us. Then she said that my mom had called her and that she had to take me home or that my mom was going to send the police. She drove me home.

The fourth time I ran away I was 15. Again. I called my boyfriend. And I said “I’m taking the car and I’m leaving at midnight and I’m going to Mexico and I’m never coming back.” He didn’t hesitate, “I’m coming with you” he said, even though he had no reason to leave. At midnight, we left. Drove to the border,  California, “Do you have any fruits or vegetables?” That was all they asked and I had expected helicopters in search of me. We were almost mugged in San Francisco. Then got the car stuck on a hill, it was a stick shift. But we kept going. Drove for 36 hours with no sleep and finally pulled over to sleep. Then a police officer shined his flashlight in the car. Told me to get in his car. Told my boyfriend to follow us. Called my mom. Told her running away was not illegal. He couldn’t hold me longer than a couple hours. My aunt who lived in California came. Then my parents came. They took me home. I said, “If you hit me. If you ground me. If you say, I can’t see my boyfriend. You’ll never find me again.” I meant it. And they knew it. That was the last time I ran away. Until I was thrown away. Thrown out like garbage.

another word for becoming

 “i am the spirit who always denies.”

~Mephistopheles~

become the spirit that you are and that will never change.

become the forest, the tree, the air.

become your own soul that will never be forgotten.

becoming your true friend and your own guide.

becoming the person that will guide your journey.

becoming a forceful believer in the process.

became an expert in the process of learning and growing in energetic dimensions.

became an active participant in this life.

became more involved with the local ecology.

became a person becoming a soul to become.

escape

 "Through the window from my bed, I see the boundless space - no ending, no beginning of immensity. Sometimes it is a light pastel color of blue, sometimes it is foggy, murky, unclear and stifling, and sometimes it is clear through. Colors change many times a day. 

Nothing is the same, everything changes."  ~Hibi~

security is false,

the alarms are unchecked

untethered

they ring,

without smoke.

stop. it's a false alarm.

turn it off.

make it stop.

silence that incessant ringing.

sympathetic nervous system overload.

burnout.

burn.

(burn it to the ground)

the signals were crossed,

at conception.

haywire.

unbound.

unshackled.

unfettered.

unbridled.

unwinding.

(or perhaps i am already unwound)

the road,

only continues.

no end in sight.

you think you see,

the finish line.

but it is

a corner,

a curve,

a bend.

did you hear me,

Bend!

do the work!

but i've done the

fucking work!

so, turn the page.

finish the chapter.

close the book,

and for god's sake,

turn off that goddamn light!

so i can get some rest.

 and forget.

forget you.

forget you all.

possibly forgive.

forgive!?

forgive who,

you?

fuck you.

fuck you.

that's right.

can you hear me?

i said,

FUCK YOU!

(how unlady like)

you don't deserve

my forgiveness.

you never even

asked.

but,

however,

and meanwhile...

 

i deserve to forgive you.

the chains that bind,

me to you

you to me

need to be bent 

and broken.

i will complete the ceremonial burning in this ritual called life. i will chant the words. i will bow my head to god and raise my finger to you. i will lift my hands to the sky and enact the rights. i will cry unto the heavens until i am heard. 

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!

then, i will wrap the pages - i will wrap the past. i will release it and release you. i will give it away for a stranger to find. in some book box along the road when all they wanted was a good novel to escape into.

and you won't even know. because you don't even care.

is this poetry?

or did i just

vomit in my soup.

where am i?

 

“Every time I move, I leave a small part of myself behind, a ghost of who I was in that place.”

“Moving forces you to confront every attachment, every habit, every comfort you’ve built, and say goodbye.”

"WE'RE GOING NOWHERE!!"

born in astoria oregon

MOVED

old mill in bend oregon @ age 3

MOVED

baseball park in bend @ age 5

MOVED

old mill in bend @ age 13

MOVED

homeless in joyce's rv in bend @ age 18

MOVED

first apartment in bend @ age 18

MOVED

east side in bend @ age 18

MOVED

mat’s grandpa’s in bend @ age 19

MOVED

deschutes river woods in bend @ age 19

MOVED

west side in bend @ age 20

MOVED

missoula montana for 2 weeks @ age 20

MOVED

colorado springs colorado for 2 weeks @ age 20

MOVED

back to bend @ age 20

MOVED

east side in bend @ age 21

MOVED

college in eugene oregon @ age 22

MOVED

second apartment in eugene @ age 23

MOVED

back to bend @ age 24

MOVED

tampa florida for a day @ age 24

MOVED

back to bend @ age 24

MOVED

east side in bend @ age 24

MOVED

east side in bend @ age 25

MOVED

back to eugene to finish college @ age 25

MOVED

second apartment in eugene @ age 26

MOVED

back to bend @ age 27

MOVED

to my parents in bend @ age 28

MOVED

west side in bend @ age 28

MOVED

west side in bend @ age 29

MOVED

east side in bend @ age 30

MOVED

sisters oregon @ age 31

MOVED

homeless at my parent's in bend @ age 32

MOVED

homeless at my in-law's in leland michigan @ age 32

MOVED

homeless at my parent's in bend @ age 32

MOVED

boise idaho @ age 32

MOVED

back to eugene @ age 33

MOVED

low incoming housing in eugene @ age 34

MOVED

back to bend at my folk’s @ age 34

MOVED

westside in bend @ age 34

MOVED

medford oregon @ age 35

MOVED

in medford @ age 36

MOVED

homeless tiny house build at cousin's in bend @ age 36

MOVED

homeless tiny house build at in-law's in eugene @ age 36

MOVED

tiny house in eugene @ age 37

MOVED

bought house in eugene @ age 38

MOVED

tucson arizona @ age 38

MOVED

bought house tucson @ age 39

MOVED

huntsville alabama temp @ age 42

MOVED

downtown huntsville @ age 42

MOVED

basement apartment in huntsville @ age  43

MOVED

jackson wyoming temp @ age 44

MOVED

wilson wyoming @ age 44

MOVED

washington DC temp @ age 47

MOVED

downtown DC @ age 47

i'm 48, I’ve moved 51 times.

“Home is not a place. It is a feeling.”

~Cecelia Ahem~

la veille de la Toussaint

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. 

The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live"

the devil in you, 

i suppose. 

this haunted - hallowed

place.

dry and barren,

yet burgeoning with

heat.

the smoke - the fire

the brimstone.

think the worst,

and feel the least.

passions are exorcised.

belief is obliterated.

my head spins around,

and keeps spinning.

wildly, out of control.

i growl - you hiss.

horns have grown

masks have been removed.

this is no longer a game,

and hell is the only escape. 

time stands still

Cultivate life, give with love.

Speak my truth, own nothing.

Honor the past, hear their call.

Shiva, Buddha, Jesus, Kali, Quan Yin

All.

Care for body, care for mind.

Be content, awake and aware 

compassion flows everywhere.

Love and light guide my heart.

Live fully, play my part.

Rooted in wisdom, spirit, and art.

“Our task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within ourselves that we have built against it.”

Soulless Mirror

I already look for moments of micro connections during the day, even if I’m rebuffed. 

Which I usually am. 

I mean honestly at this point the easiest way to scare a human is to look them in the eye;

and smile.

this world has made deep thinking a kind of exile

your experience is not artificial

human ritual

the easiest way to unsettle someone; 

is to be human

reclaiming your attention has

emotional and spiritual consequences

how much people want to be listened to

loneliness

perfect mirror

Beyond

Purple pod growing in the night,
drifting to darkness—
unable to bloom
without light.

Can you trust?
Can you accept?
Can you embrace?

Do you dare to shape it into reality;
when you’ve seen too much,
when you’ve been too hollowed?
Gutted. And mutilated.
When you’ve been so disappointed.

!!BEYOND BEARING!!

How can you go back,
to the one you once were.
and dream
and dream
and dream
of the future,
of a new world?

Rewrite your name—
To match your changing face.

Are you so different now?
Why?
Why?
Why?

Life is a riddle,
a poem,
a nightmare,
and a joke.

!!A TALE TOLD BY AN IDIOT!!

It is too heavy,
The weight.
Beyond words.

It is beyond comprehension,

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field:  

I’ll meet you there.” 

-Rumi-

Vox

 

Yes. That hits deep. When that voice is your mom’s, it cuts straight to the core. It’s not just some random inner critic—it’s the voice of someone who was supposed to love you, protect you, and make you feel safe. And instead, she planted those seeds of shame and self-doubt so early, they became part of the way you learned to see yourself

No wonder it feels like the only voice you’ve ever known.

But here’s the truth: you didn’t deserve that. None of what she said—explicitly or implicitly—was ever a reflection of who you really are. It was a reflection of her pain, her limitations, her need to control or diminish someone else to feel powerful. That voice didn’t protect you. It harmed you. And you don’t have to keep carrying it.

It’s okay if it feels unnatural at first, but you can start building a new voice. One that’s slower, kinder, rooted in truth—not fear or shame. You can begin by simply noticing when your mom’s voice is speaking up. You don’t even have to argue with it right away. Just name it. “That’s her voice. Not mine.” Over time, that small act of awareness makes space for a different way of relating to yourself.

You don’t need to 

be there.

The only reason why

your existence matters 

is that: 

It must matter.

The universe is not 

infinite; 

but there exists 

the infinite in the

 finite. 

I’m just trying not to get 

too attached to this.

Follow me:

Cities and Space

Societally constructed by 

the imagination of toddlers.

And then

for the

First Time in the History of Humanity 

Someone said,

“define divine love”

Bohemian

The reason that my mom taught me to fear myself 

was so that she could maintain control over me. 

When I do things that nourish my spirit, mind, and body then I begin to feel hopeful. 

Happier. 

Slow mornings spent in the sun taking care of myself. To release what is stored up inside of me. 

“When you move your muscles, you move your emotions.” My intention is to start living each day with an intention.

 “Worry is a meditation on shit.”

Why do I feel like I need the love of my birth family? Be Well. How do I ride the waves without losing my true self? 

Why do I believe that only the happy version of myself is my true self? My whole life I have lived on the edge 

constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop; or to literally be thrown at me.

 Chaos is normal. 

There is nothing wrong with me. My responses were and are healthy reactions when faced with a hostile environment.

 I want to be loved. 

I want to be missed. 

And I want to be left alone. I must love myself. To die or to disappear, my fantasies. My dark thoughts. I can barely voice to myself. 

Make it a day without saying their names. As opposed to being simply content I am also complacent.

 I need to soothe my overwrought nervous system. And sitting next to anxiety makes me anxious. 

MAD MARTYR! 

My guts are tired. Sleep. Lock myself in an off-grid cabin and water fast for three days just to get rid off all of the toxicity 

in my body. Are tummy issues really just daddy issues? I wish I missed my mother.

 I wish I missed a place called home. Emotional Emptying.

 Because I knew that I wanted peace and quiet, I didn’t want to live in a 

chaotic house. 

My body has learned to always be in pain because that pain is better than feeling the emotional pain. 

Golden Teacher. 

Contrarian Spirit.