Dragon Lady

Wednesday my Nanny went to the hospital. Her pacemaker had poked her in the heart and because of her blood clotting disorder she was bleeding internally. They were going to drain the fluid from around her heart and lungs but because she is 88 they could not do surgery.

Thursday I turned on my phone after three hours of yoga class and had gotten many messages and calls. I was told to call the icu so that they could hold the phone up to my Nanny so that I could say goodbye. I did. The last thing she said was "I Love You Baby". But her voice broke and she sounded so scared. My husband came right home from work and within 30 minutes we were out the door. We drove 13 hours straight. 

Friday morning at 2am we arrived in Bend. I saw my Nanny and she looked frail, she was sleeping. I held her hand. I then went with my Aunts to move the bed out of her home so that hospice could deliver a hospital bed. Then I went back to the hospital and I had a fairly lucid conversation with my Nanny while I fed her what turned out to be her last meal; strawberry milkshake - macaroni - cream of chicken soup. While I was feeding her she asked me why I never had children, and smiled. I held her hand while they unhooked her from the machines and her O2 plummeted but she held on. The drivers arrived and I rode with my Nanny in the transport from the hospital to her home. She didn't like the bumps and said that they were driving too fast. They were the last words that she would ever speak. I Sat Vigil. Then I went to my parent's house and slept a little. 

Saturday morning I bought two bouquets of tulips. I took one to my best friend Joyce’s grave, she died of COVID in September 2021. I had not been to see her yet and I needed to. I sat on her grave and cried. Then I took the other bouquet to her husband. I was with him for less than an hour when my Mom texted “breathing shallow” and I literally RAN to the car and drove to my Nanny. 

I Sat Vigil and held her hand while the priest read my Nanny her last rites. It was surreal. We all wept. Then I stayed with my Nanny through the night. It was just my Mom and I. My Mom slept on the couch and I laid on a 4 ft long foot stool that I had pushed up next to my Nanny. I held her hand all through the night. I didn’t let go. I didn’t really sleep but I didn’t feel awake either, I just listened to her breathing. It was a rattle. For 14 hours I laid there counting the seconds in between her breaths.

Sunday morning my two Aunts and my Cousin arrived. It was my Nanny’s female blood line, her three Daughters and their two Daughters. Daughters of Daughters. I noticed my Nanny's breathing change at about 11:58am. Everyone came to her bed. We all told her that we loved her. My Aunt said “the pearly gates are open, go home to Jesus” and with that my Nanny took one last deep breath and died peacefully at 12:04pm.

Monday morning I got up and my Mom gave me my Aunt's ashes, my Aunt died in 1994 from AIDS. My Grandpa had her ashes and when he passed away my Step-Grandma had them. I tried to arrange getting the ashes to my Cousin but Grandma wasn't sure where they were and didn't want to mail them. My Aunt had gotten lost in the mail once before. When Grandma passed in December of 2021 it took a few months but her Daughter sent them to my Dad. No warning, no note. They just showed up in the mail. After my Mom gave me the box I opened it to take a vile of my Aunt's ashes out for my Dad. I shook and became lightheaded. I had my Aunt on my fingers. I had no idea what to do, so I rubbed her ashes into the skin of my chest... my heart. I carefully repackaged the ashes. 

Tuesday morning I said goodbye to my family. I had not seen them in five years. It was hard. I don't know when I will go back.

I then drove seven hours to Seattle to give my Aunt to my Cousin. My Cousin does not know that these ashes even exist. I can't tell her on the phone. I am cryptic in my messages; I want her to know that the reason that I am coming is serious but I also don't want to worry her. I know that this is going to be life changing for her. She was only 20 when her Mom died and it is the biggest grief of her life. Late Tuesday I give my Aunt to my Cousin. My Cousin is ecstatic but also very overwhelmed. My Aunt is finally Home. 

We drive into the woods and camp at Denny Creek, it is a coincidence but I can't help but feel the presence of my sweet cousin Denny who died in December of 2019, he was only 35.

Wednesday we drive 16 hours Home and arrive at nearly 11pm. 

In the night, in my sleep, I cry out, "Where am I, Where is Nanny, Is she dead???!!!"

Thursday, today, I am tired.

Rest in Peace My Beautiful Sweet Loving Caring Nanny. I did not learn that you were my actual Grandma until I was eight years old; I had always called you Nanny. But the truth of who you were and how we were related was finally explained to my young ears and I cried with joy because I knew that I would get to keep you FOREVER! You are my Grandma, my Nanny, my ancestral line. You were always my friend. You were my only family member who understood me. You told me your secrets and I will keep them safe. You are Home.