doctors

AGE EIGHT

Every time I saw this doctor I had an ear infection. I always had ear infections and sinus infections and chest infections. Four to six times a year. Both of my parents smoked a pack a day; in the house and in the car and everywhere that we were. I always reeked of smoke and I was always sick.

And every single time I saw this doctor for an ear infection he would put cold water in a large syringe and then flush out my ears. It hurt so bad and I would cry and moan. I hated seeing him! My chest would ache and I wouldn’t be able to breathe just knowing that I had to go see him again. He never talked to me when I was in the office. He only spoke to my mother and he said very little even to her. I remember him. His face. I shouldn’t because we never saw him again after the age of eight. 

But on this day, the last time that I saw him, I had an ear infection and a rash on my chest. Just some small red dots. My mother mentioned it to him; after the ear flushing. He said he’d need to take some polaroids of my chest, “for the files” and that my mother should “leave the room”. 

And she did. She just left me alone in there with him. 

I took off my clothes and he took pictures of me. Later, after my mother told my father, they became upset. Yelling and screaming at each other and then they called the doctors office. They refused to pay the bill. I could hear them in the kitchen. But they never talked to me about it. Never asked me what had happened. Never asked me what he did. Never said to me that it wasn’t ok and that it wasn’t my fault. 

They only time they spoke to me about it was a few years later when they went to buy a house and had to pay the bill because he had sent them to collections. They said: "that guy was such a quack!" 

There is a park in Bend Oregon named after him; for being such an astounding citizen and pediatrician. 

AGE ELEVEN

I had a root canal. My mother dropped me off. She had errands to run. I waited in the lobby alone. They called me back. I fell asleep. I woke up, shaking and sore in places that I should not be sore. My mother was late. I sat in the lobby, half asleep, waiting for her.

AGE FOURTEEN 

I was having lower abdominal pain, again. My mom took me to the emergency room in the middle of the night. The doctor said that they were going to have to do a “female exam” and asked my mom if I had ever had one before. 

“No.” she said simply. 

“Okay, would you like to stay in the room with her?” 

“No.” she said simply. 

Then she said, “I’ll wait in the lobby”.

And she walked out. She didn’t say anything to me, she didn't even look at me, she just left. She left me alone in there with the doctor.

She had never had “the talk” with me. Not my period, not sex, and certainly not this. I had no idea what was going to happen.

The doctor said get undressed and put on this gown.

I did. The same way I had always gotten undressed and put on a gown before. I left my underwear and bra on.

He walked back in with a female nurse. Told me to lay back. Put my feet in the stirrups. Spread my legs.

“She still has her underwear on!” and he just walked out.

The nurse said, “ you have to take your underwear off.”

“WHY!” I asked.

“To do the Exam.” and she walked out too.

I took my underwear off. My heart was thudding in my ears.

They came back in. Told me to lay back. Put my feet in the stirrups. Spread my legs.

And, OH MY GOD! My virgin vagina. It hurt so bad. What are they doing!? Are they raping me!?

I closed my eyes and held my breath. I couldn’t hear them but I knew that they were talking. All I could hear was my heart thudding. I opened my eyes and it was as if I had left my body. I could see the nurse handing the doctor a q-tip and it looked like it was the size of a baseball bat!! I closed my eyes again. OUCH!!! I stopped breathing.

“You can get dressed now.” And the doctor placed his hands on my knees and pushed them together. They were done.

I didn’t speak again for the rest of the time that we were there. Inside, I was gone. 

Afterwards my mother didn’t say anything to me about it. And I didn’t say anything to her. Why would I, she had left me in that room; with them. She had left me. She had just left me.

AGE FIFTEEN

I had surgery to remove endometriosis. At this point, a year after my first exam, I had had dozens of female exams. And I was always alone in the room with the male doctors. And I always "blanked out" during the exams. My mother always waited in the lobby; if she even came to the appointments at all. She liked to say that I was "faking it for attention". So sometimes my boyfriend had to give me a ride to my appointments as I wasn't old enough to drive yet. 

I had seen lots of doctors and it took awhile to figure out what was wrong with me. One of the doctors had even given me an anal exam, without telling me that he was going to do that before he did it or telling me why he did it afterwards. I remember that the second he left the room I jumped up, threw my clothes on, and ran out of the medical center crying. I literally bumped into a nurse on the way out and she said, "are you ok?" I didn't respond - I just kept going. My mother never asked me why I was crying or why I had run out of the office.

I had the surgery in June of 1992. I woke up from the surgery in a recovery room with a bunch of old men. I could hear them asking the nurse why I was in there and if I was ok. She said she wasn't allowed to say what was wrong with me. I called her over and said that I had to pee. She gave me a pan and said to do it there. I looked at the old men looking at me. They weren't bad men; they just looked concerned. But I handed her back the bed pan and said I'd wait and could she please get my mom. I thought my mom and dad would be there when I woke up.

The nurse came back in, "they are not here." I stayed in the recovery room for an hour. Alone. Then they wheeled me to my room. I kept thinking that my parents would be in there waiting. 

They weren’t.

I waited another hour then I called my parents house and my mom answered. She said she was doing laundry and that they would be there soon.

My parents arrived at the same time that my boyfriend did.

The doctor came in and he said he had been waiting for them so that he could talk to us all at once. He said I had a significant amount of endometrial tissue that had to be removed; especially around my left ovary. But that since I was young I should recovery fully and quickly. He also wanted me to start taking birth control pills to regulate my hormones.

He also said that I had done something that no other patient had ever done before... I had punched him in the groin in the middle of surgery! He said I "floored" him. And that they had to strap me down afterwards and that it took him several minutes to recover. He ruffled my hair and laughed while he told the story and it was actually pretty funny. I really liked this doctor. He was kind and spoke to me like an adult and explained everything.

My parents stayed for an hour or so, then left. My mom said she had to cook dinner. My boyfriend stayed until 8pm. Then the nurse came in and said that he would have to leave because visiting hours were over.

It was a long night. I was scared. The machine kept beeping. Nurses kept coming in.

Why did I always want my mom when I was scared even when I knew she didn't want me and she wouldn't make it better.

They were an hour late the next day picking me up.