the first i loved, then i hurt. the first i met, then left. i cared immediately, immensely. she was two. and i loved deeply. my little butternut squash. i had you for seven years and then you were lost. no goodbye. no hug. just gone. if i didn’t want him, he said i couldn’t have you.
the second existed for twelve weeks inside of me. a part of me, a part of him. i wanted you, he wanted no one. not me. not you. he pushed. i broke. i lost. he gained.
…a decade passed…
the third existed for two weeks inside of me. a part of me. a part of he. he was new. he was dad. simply. he wanted you. and he wanted me. i wanted you too. but. oh, but. i was too scared. too broken. too small. and then you were gone.
the fourth and fifth came together. blonde hair and blue eyes. like his eyes. daddy’s eyes, daddy’s girls. the eyes of love. love at first sight, when i saw his. when i saw yours. we grew. we loved. we laughed. we lived. we were a we. family. for years. then, oh then. and then we lost. the trauma and the drama won. it beat us all. it beat itself. and we all lost. everyone lost.
“phantom limb syndrome: the sensation of feeling and pain in a limb that has been amputated.”
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